Jackie's Story
by Dysthymia
Summary: Jackie writes a story for the school paper, and it actually gets printed! However, her story is disastrous for Kelso. Meanwhile, Red tries to catch a squirrel that got into the house. Rated M for safety reasons.
1. Chapter 1

Donna came into the basement and sat next to Eric. "Something happened. I don't know if I should be afraid or amused."

"What happened?" Eric asked.

Donna took a breath. "Jackie managed to get a story in the school paper."

Eric chuckled. "Jackie managed to get a story in the school paper? Oh, what is this world coming to?" he asked as he put an arm around Donna's shoulders. "What... indeed?"

Donna laughed a little. "She called it 'Michael Kelso is an Idiot and Steven Hyde is a God.' I'm not sure if Hyde will be amused or pissed."

"Well, Kelso _did_ ditch Jackie," Eric pointed out. "But Hyde dating Jackie? That's just weird."

"I know, right? When I got here I saw them frenching in the driveway. It was kinda gross."

"Just kinda?" Eric asked with a frown.

Donna smiled. "You know Eric, you have the cutest frown."

Now Eric blushed. "I do, don't I? Yes," he answered himself. "Yes, I do."

Donna laughed and kissed Eric.

Kelso burst into the basement just then. "Donna, did you know about this?" he demanded, shoving the school paper in her face.

"What?" Donna asked, acting as if she didn't know what he was talking about. "Oh, you mean about the school serving burritos on Friday? Yeah, I saw it."

Kelso stomped his foot as Eric laughed. "No, Donna! This highly inflammatory story Jackie wrote about me."

Donna mock gasped as Eric announced that Kelso had just learned his first word over five letters long.

"This isn't funny, Eric!" Kelso whined. "This is horrible! She said I have a small... you know..."

Eric tried not to smile. "No, Kelso, I don't know. Tell me."

"I can't," Kelso answered. "It's too horrible."

Hyde came in then with Jackie and Fez. "Oh, Kelso, I was just telling Hyde about your tiny penis," Fez says.


	2. Chapter 2

Kitty entered the kitchen. Red was sitting at the table. "Kitty, did you see a squirrel in the house earlier?" he asked. "I thought I saw one in the basement."

Kitty gasped. "I thought it was just me. I was folding the laundry and saw something skitter right past me."

"Crap," Red muttered. "I have to catch a squirrel..." He got out of his seat.

"Don't hurt it, Red. It doesn't know it belongs outside!" Kitty said, running after him towards the basement.

Red stopped and turned to Kitty. "Kitty, it's a squirrel, not Eric!"

"Red, don't you harm one hair on that squirrel's head!"

* * *

"Does anyone else see a squirrel sitting on Fez's shoulder?" Hyde asked.

"He's my buddy," Fez said. "I feed him bread and peanut butter when I come over."

Hyde got out of his seat and blew some smoke at the squirrel, who lifted his head and sniffed the air.

"Guys, I hear Red coming," Eric said, looking a little nervous.

Hyde put out his doob and hid it as Donna quickly sprayed some air freshener.

"Quick Squirrely, hide!" Fez whispered. The squirrel climbed off his shoulder and sat between Eric and Donna as she sat down again.

They quickly covered up the squirrel by holding hands with Donna leaning into Eric a little. "We don't want Red to kill the little guy," she said.

Kelso kept giving Jackie dirty looks while all this was going on.

Red came stomping down the stairs. He looked around. "Have you kids seen a squirrel?" he asked as he looked behind the freezer.

"Squirrel?" Eric asked, trying to act innocent. "What's a squirrel?"

Red turned and glared at his son. "You know full well what a squirrel is, dumbass!" he said before stomping back out.

"You can come out now, Squirrely," Fez said.

The squirrel jumped down, looked around, then ran right up Kelso's pant leg.

"I guess he heard about Kelso's tiny wand," Hyde commented as Kelso jumped up out of his seat.


	3. Chapter 3

"I just don't understand why Jackie wrote that story," Kelso said as he sat in the circle with Eric, Fez, and the squirrel. "I mean, didn't I make her happy?"

"No," Eric said. "But you made us happy when Squirrely ran up your pants."

"No, seriously, Eric. Didn't I make Jackie happy?"

"No, you didn't because you are a loser with a tiny wiener," Fez said, smiling widely.

"Squirrely agrees, don't you Squirrely?" Eric asked, offering a potato chip to the squirrel.

"No, he doesn't!" Kelso whined. "He went up there and he saw how it really is!" He took the bag of chips from Eric. "Jackie should apologize. She should leave Hyde for me too. I mean, come on! He can't satisfy her!"

Eric and Fez both burst out laughing. Kelso hadn't noticed Squirrely climb onto his head.

Hyde came in. Grabbing the group's doobie, he took a deep drag as he sat in his normal seat. "Ah, much better..." he sighed. "Hey, Kelso, nice hat."

Kelso frowned. "What hat?"

Fez began to open a can of soda but then put it down, announcing that he needed to go to the bathroom. As he left, Squirrely startled Kelso by leaping off his head onto the coffee table. Kelso screeched like a girl as Hyde and Eric burst out with uproarious laughter.

"Keep it down!" Red bellowed from upstairs. "If you make noise I'll never catch that damned squirrel!"

Squirrely stood next to Fez's can of soda as Hyde said, "did you guys see that?"

"I didn't know squirrels could shake their fists," Eric laughed.

"Don't make me come down there and kick all your asses!" Red bellowed again.

Suddenly, Hyde pulled his sunglasses down a little. "Damn, that is one horny squirrel," he said as Squirrely began to hump the can of soda.

"Hey, Fez," Kelso said as Fez returned. "Squirrely just raped your pop."

Fez hit Kelso as he picked up his soda. "You lie. Just like how you lie about your tiny weenie."

"Stop bringing up Jackie's story!" Kelso cried as he stormed out.


	4. Chapter 4

"So, Jackie, nice story," Donna said. "No, really," she said as Jackie looked at her in surprise. "It was good. I liked how funny it was. Kelso's really upset about it though."

"Well, he deserves it after what he did to me!" Jackie said. "Who asks someone to marry them and then takes off to California? The answer is: Michael Kelso!"

"Jackie are you sure he really proposed to you? I mean, he's so stupid that he might not have thought he wasn't proposing."

"Donna, I told him that if he wanted to choose me to really choose me. Then I said, "let's get married.' He said, 'you want to get married?' See? That's a proposal!"

"Um, Jackie, that's not a proposal," Donna said. "It sounds to me like he was trying to get some clarification. I mean, really, who'd want to marry him? Even he knows he's not marriage material."

"I thought he really wanted to marry me, Donna. It broke my heart when he left."

"So, you found Hyde?"

Jackie nodded. "Well, yes."

"And are you happy with Hyde?"

Jackie nodded again.

"Then why did you say he has a tiny wiener? You know just about everyone's seen it. So not many people are going to think it's the size of a thimble like in your story."

"I... I guess I was pretty mad. Kinda like when you wrote that story about you and Eric after your break-up," Jackie said. "I'm not apologizing to him though! He deserves everything he has coming to him."

* * *

Unknown to Jackie and Donna, Kelso was had come outside during their conversation. He'd hid behind a tree and listened. So now he knew why Jackie wrote her story. Suddenly, a pair of squirrels dropped from the tree, landing on his big dumb head. He screeched, causing Jackie and Donna to turn around.

"Michael!" Jackie said in annoyance. "You were spying on us?" she demanded and began to hit him.

"I'm sorry, Jackie! It was an accident!" he said.

"You're stupid!" Jackie said. "How is spying an accident?"

"I meant I was sorry for running away." He took Jackie's hand. "Please, Jackie, take me back," he said as the squirrels climbed all over him.

Jackie stared at him for a few seconds. "No, Michael. I'm with Steven now. He makes me happier than you ever could." She yanked her hand away and walked back to Donna. "Come on, Donna, let's go to the mall."

Kelso began to cry when suddenly, a spray of water hit him. "Get out of my yard, Kelso!" Red said.


	5. Chapter 5

Squirrely hid under Hyde's bed as Red searched the basement. "That damned squirrel has to be around her somewhere!" Red said. Red lifts the blanket on Hyde's bed. "Aha! There you are!" he said as Squirrely darted out. Red rushed after Squirrely with a net, but hit himself on the face with the net upon running into the door jamb. "Damn squirrel!"

Fez picked up Squirrely. "I'm sorry, Squirrely, but I have to put you back in your tree," he says sadly. Squirrely looked at him and made a noise.

"I think he just said, 'but Fez!'" Eric said as the rest of the gang smiled.

"I said back in the tree..." Fez said.

Everyone follows Fez outside, where he puts the squirrel on a tree branch.

Kitty came outside. "Oh, thank God!" she said. "He didn't kill it!"

"Yeah, Mom. Dad hit himself in the face with his net," Eric told her. "You should've seen it."

Kitty looked at her son for a second before bursting out laughing.

Red came outside just then and threw his net to the ground. "Kitty, that damn squirrel made me hit myself!" he complained.

Kitty stopped laughing for a second, but then started up again when she noticed a red mark starting to form on his face.

"It's not funny, Kitty!" Red declared. "And you!" he said, pointing at Eric. "I heard you tell her about that. It's never to be mentioned again!"

Kitty stopped laughing again. "I'm sorry, Red. "I'll get you an ice pack. And you leave those squirrels alone!" she told him as she went back into the house.

Kelso turned to Jackie. "See, Jackie? Kitty apologized to Red. So, why can't you apologize to me for saying I have a tiny... you know...?"

"Hold on," Red interrupted. "Jackie, you said he has a tiny... thing?"

"Well... yeah. I broke my heart and he has to pay," Jackie told him.

"Jackie, you _never _say a man has a tiny... thing, even if he really does. Apologize to Kettle Head."

Jackie folded her arms and said no.

"Do it or I'll kick your-"

"Ok, I'm sorry I said Pink Floyd is tiny!" Jackie squealed as she backed away from Red with her hands up.

Red looked at Kelso oddly. "You named your... thing Pink Floyd?" he asked in disgust.

"Yeah," Kelso said. "Doesn't everyone name theirs?"

"No!" Red roared as he turned and went back inside.

end


End file.
